Like little Children

I love the holidays and the time that I get to spend with my family.  I love going home to Arkansas, sitting around laughing and talking with them.  Every year, we always cook a LOT of food and I'm usually the first one finished because I eat in spurts and get full to fast.  I love my mom's cooking.  I am so grateful for her.  My favorite memories are with her in the kitchen and helping her make her sweet potatoes pies, a multitude of cakes, and lemon pies. I can't wait to see my nieces and nephews, especially the little ones.  We love to sit and watch them open their gifts and play with them.  It reminds us of the period in our lives when we were kids and did the same thing.  They are so excited with whatever the gifts are and they instantly began to play with them.  Grateful.  That's the word.  I've been thinking a lot about that and examining my life, my heart.  Am I grateful for my life and where God has me?  I go back and forth with that and with the new year coming I always reflect on what I did or didn't do and where I want to go in the new year and how I want to get there.  Even with all of the thinking and planning, I still can not figure out my life or move forward unless my Father says so.  I have been grumbling in my heart about not being where I want to be in my life.  You may wonder, what are you trying to do about it?  Sometimes, that mindset can frustrate you more because you think its your abilities that will move you out and you miss that it's not only about your abilities but about God's will.  I want to be in God's will, but I think for a period of time, I've been walking in Melika's will. I have been unwilling to let go of what I want, how I want it and when I want it.  It's like my fist have been clutched on this idea of what I think my life could be and anything other than that is not good.  This thought is foolish.  In reality, when I think like this(and I know I am not by myself in this), I am saying that I know better about my life than anyone (God) does.  Wow, the pride in that.  That is scary.  God is  the creator of us all and as His children, He knows what He has designed our lives to be.  We forget that we are His children and start living like adults(making our own decisions based on what we want to do with our lives without consulting our Father to see if it is what He wants to do with our lives and when things don't work out the way we hoped they would, we blame Him even though it was a decision we made without His guidance.)
As, children, and that is who we really are, our Father wants us to approach Him like children.  We are the clay and He is the potter molding us in who we were created to be.  Jesus says that in order to enter His Kingdom, we must be like little children.  Like my little niece and nephew on Christmas day, we have to be grateful for the gifts our Father give us no matter what the gifts are because everything He gives is out of love.  Also, like little children, we have to trust that our Father has the best in mind for us and will not harm us so we can trust our lives to Him.  This is the thought that I am walking in these days and hopefully this will help you if you are like me and like to know what's to come and handle everything on your own. We need to just chill out and rest in God.  He has us.  

A Serious Matter

When we look at society and say that it is a mess, we are saying that our individual lives are a mess.  I am saying this because we make up the society we are in.  If it were not for people, then there would be no society.  Therefore, if society is in a morally bad shape, that means we as individuals are in bad shape morally rather you want to accept this or not.  We all have a responsibility for the outcome of were this world is going. Until we take our individual responsibility, it will continue to get worse.

This all is coming to my mind because I live in the melting pot of society, New York City, and I am able to witness a lot of things.  The world, as we know it, is coming to an end.  We only have a little time left and we have to correct the wrongs we have done.  The wrongs, the sins we have committed. We are looking at the consequences of the problem(sin) when we see all of the wickedness in the world.  I hate to watch the news because it is constantly speaking about wars, rapes, abuses, murders, sexual immorality, homosexuality, impurities and the like.  I can't watch a TV show without some sexual innuendo being use or them pushing that being gay is "natural" and something that is normal.  Sin is sin.  Sex outside of marriage is sin.  Homosexuality is sin.  Cursing, lying, gossiping, slandering, murder, evil thoughts, over eating, drunkenness, pride, conceitedness or arrogance, all are sin.  This is so abundant in our society and many minds are blinded from this state.  These things and more are the problems in our world.  The solution for the problem is being in Jesus, following him, repenting of your sins and living for Him.  This begins to correct the problem.
 
We try to use social professions to correct them all, but actually we just put band aides on them without truly healing the wound.  If a person is not in Jesus, they will continue to be in sin rather a situation changes or not and it will continue to get worse in some form (inward or outward).
Punishments may be given out and you may even feel the consequence of your decisions, but the core of the problem will still be there if you don't repent of it.
Jesus says, "Repent or you will perish."  This society is perishing because of the lack of repentance of our individual hearts.

I write this because I love you and I hope that we will all change so that we can be home with the Father one day.  He is patiently waiting for us all, but His patience is going to run out one day, so, while you have the chance, please repent, confess your sins, and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins so that you can receive the gift of the Holy Spirit which is a guarantee that you will have a place, in heaven, at home with our Father.

If you have any questions or comments about what I have written, please contact me.
Be blessed

Present moment

For the past couple of weeks I haven't been able to sleep much.  I've been anxious in my thoughts and excited at the same time.  It's a weird feeling.  My heart is constantly racing and I try to calm myself down but I can't.  My eyes are tired but my body is saying, "Let's go!"  I am so tired.  Even as I'm writing this, I am feeling the same way. I couldn't sleep last night either!.  Ok, you may be wondering what is on my mind.  Well, you know how you know something great is about to come, but you just don't know when.  It's like the feeling you got when you were a little kid right before Christmas and you knew you were going to get your favorite gift but you had to stay in bed or else Santa Claus was going to put ashes in your eyes? (Yes, that's what I was told.)  It's that same emotion.

Something new is coming in my career. I'm about to start my project with a couple of amazing producers who believe in what I'm about and just want to help me be the best. Only God could choose them and put this together and only God will make this great.  I've written some songs that are going to move so many hearts.  Ugh, I can't wait to hear the outcome.  I think this is like giving birth or something. (Not that I know what that feels like.)   Also, I'm pitching an after school program to two schools and I believe that the program will be in the schools in the next year.  God has placed in my life people who know how to do programs and they have been mentoring me in this process.  I have visions about where this organization is going to go and where my music is going to go and I just can't stop the excitement!

 I'm also interested in a guy, I think. I always have to say that because I don't want to admit that I am because I don't want to get hurt but I know that I am interested in him. (Crazy right?)  I don't even know what he feels or what he is thinking.  I don't think he knows I'm interested in him either.  I'm just trying to focus on the friendship. (Yeah, right! In my mind, I've already planned the wedding, know what type of dress I want, how my many kids I want and how they are going to look. Wow!)  I am going to slow my mind down, enjoy the PRESENT and not live in the future.  I have to learn how to live in the now.  Jesus says in Mathew 6: ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  
 I have to put this scripture into practice.  I need to have this embedded in my heart and mind at all times.  I know the things God has showed me are going to happen but I need to learn how to enjoy each moment.  I just pray that I'm able to sleep tonight.

The Aftermath

I've been full of emotion over the past days.  Tropical Storm Sandy has come and gone, but the results still remain.  I was not affected by it physically or materialistically, but I have been affected emotionally.  I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I have electricity, food, and a home when millions of people are without.  I know that I shouldn't and that I have nothing to do with this, but I am fighting to fight this feeling.  Would I feel better if I had some issues happening to me?  I don't think so.  I am a complex person and I am really understanding that about myself.

I went to volunteer the other day with Red Cross in Long Island and I met this woman there who had no electricity and she was trying to keep herself together with the kids she had. She stood before me in tears and all I could do is hug her and whisper to her that this may feel like it's forever but it is not and for her to hold on.  When we finished talking a cop came and told her about a shelter she could go to.  That was an answered prayer.

I believe my Father has allowed these things to happen in hopes that hearts will turn to Him and not away from Him.  While watching TV yesterday, the news anchor said the IPhone 5, without electricity, is like a rock you can toss in the water.  He is right.  I believe that God wants us to be truly aware of who He is and who we are and that everything on this earth is temporary and will perish.  See how easy the houses were destroyed and the rampage the storm had in NJ and some parts of NY? God is powerful and He wants  us to be aware of His power and turn to Him.  He has been trying to get our attention in so many ways and this is one of them.  He wants us to turn from our wicked ways and turn to serve Him completely with everything.

Remember that there is no one good but God and all of us have sinned and turned away from Him.  We all need His forgiveness.  He is the only one who can.  He wants us to have a true relationship with Him and not be "religious".  Religiosity has been leading many to hell and that is not where our Father wants us to go.  He wants us to be with Him and to wake up from the slumber we have been in.  I pray that Tropical Storm Sandy is a wake up call for many of us.  I pray that, in the months to come, that many of us will draw closer to God and watch Him do great things in our lives and experience the hope, the love that comes from being in Him.

 Paul said it this way in Phil. 4:12-13:  ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 I pray that we learn and apply this "secret" to every part of our lives.

Overcomer

If you don't know, I've been pursuing a singing career for a while now.  I moved to New York to sing, but it has been an intense journey.  It's taken time for me to look at my life as a journey and learn how to enjoy it.  While on this path, I've taught school for several years, was a book keeper for several years, and temp for some time, but never stopped focusing on the vision that has always been in my heart:  a music career.  The past 4 years have been some of my toughest.  I've been behind on my bills, almost homeless, had to get food stamps, and had to apply for unemployment over the summer.  But, in all of this, I still have hope.  Life tried to beat it out of me.  No, Satan tried to beat hope(faith) out of me.  I think that my enemy was trying to beat that out of me because he knows the impact my life is going to have on the lives of many people.  Yes, I'm speaking this into existence.

I've learned that I have to start speaking the truth, God's truth, over my life and stop being afraid of what people will think about me.  "Oh, she's prideful or full of herself."  No.  It's good to think that you are special and to know that you are created for a purpose.  It's good to understand that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and that you are loved deeper than what you can ever imagine.  I have struggled with low self esteem for to long now and trying to get gratification from people or my talents and I've come to realize that these things are temporary.  I have to get it from the one who created me.  I can't be shy of being a light or afraid anymore because of over shining other people.  When my life is blessed or when I'm doing great things, it encourages others and brings glory to my Father.  I am tired of being one of those Christians who stand on the side lines and scared to step out because of the mean old world and truly missing out on the purpose I was created for.  No!  My Father is bigger than all of this and my big brother, Jesus, has authority over all of this so why are we so afraid. It's time for us, true disciples of Christ, to rise up and live our lives boldly and unapologetic because there are so many people who need to see God through us, who are looking and searching for hope.  I pray that my life and the trials that I have overcome encourages you and gives you hope.

The Waiting Game

I feel like every part of my life, at this moment, is about waiting.  Waiting on a career, waiting on a relationship, waiting on money, waiting waiting waiting.  If you can not tell, I've been frustrated, irritated, and exasperated. (Wanted to rhyme a little.)  But, I've come to understand that when I'm like this, I'm being impatient with God, irritated towards God, frustrated with God, and exasperated with God.  This is scary!  Who am I to feel this way towards my creator?  Who am I to feel this way towards the one who loves me completely even when I'm feeling this way towards Him?

He is always working on my behalf. Always!  He never stops working for my good.  My situations have not been looking good, but that does not change who my Father is.  He never changes.  So, I'm learning a lot about waiting.  In the waiting times, He is testing my heart to see if I will remain faithful towards Him, loyal to Him.  We are in a relationship and He is loyal towards me so He wants me to be loyal towards Him.  It is the least I can do. I have been thinking a lot about Abraham, Joseph, and David.  Each one of these men had amazing callings on their lives and all of them knew that God had a purpose for them individually, but each one of the had to go through tests of their faith.  Abraham had to wait 25 years to receive his blessing.  Joseph had to wait 17 years to walk into his purpose and David had to wait for years to become king even though he was anointed.  Each one had to suffer, go through trials so that their hearts, characters could be refined in order for them to be prepared to do what they were created to do.

Romans 15:4 says "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."  HOPE.  That is what Satan is trying to snatch away as we go through the waiting period.  He is trying to steal our faith, but we must learn how to wait while our Father is at work.  He tells us to wait quietly, patiently, and expectantly on Him.  But, as I have said before, I have been waiting scared, doubtful, questioning His love for me when things don't go the way I want them to, and just forgetting what He has already done in my life.  I'm amazed at the depth of God's love for me and how He continues to be patient with me as I learn how to wait on Him and be patient as He takes care of my life.

It's really silly when you think about it.  It's like I'm being a little child telling my Father:  "I want this now!" but my Father says, "No, it's not time and if you had it now it will hurt you, so you have to wait."  I say, "No, I can handle it.  I want this now!  It's what I've always wanted.  I think I'm at a place to handle it."  My Father says, "I created you.  I actually know you more than you know yourself, so, who do you think has the better judgement in this situation?"

It's crazy, but God is love.  He has been helping me endure as I wait on Him to do His will for my life and I am excited about the plans He has considered for my life and the details that have been laid out for me.  It makes me feel secure when I think about it this way and I feel safe in Him, in His hands, as I continue to WAIT.

Saying Goodbye to my Aunt Shirley

A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt Shirley went to sleep and will not wake up until the end.  In other words, she died.  I miss her, but I know she is better off.  She had cancer and was in a lot of pain.  I spoke with her a month ago, but it was brief.  She was describing to me what was going on and she could hear in my tone that I was sad.  I couldn't disguise it.  When I went home a few months ago, I wanted to see her but I didn't have the chance to. By the time I got there, she and my uncle had left.  When I first began this journey to New York, she was the one who took me to the travel agency so that I could get a ticket here.  When I moved here, I began to study the bible and I learned so much about God and the things I needed to change in my life.  After I was baptized, I called home to share the great news with my mom.  She didn't think it was that great.  She asked me why did I get baptized again after I had been baptized when I was 12 years old.  I told her that I didn't know my sins then and did not understand what it meant to repent of them then, so, my baptism was null and void.  (In Acts 2:38 Peter tells people how to enter the Kingdom of God-Repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of sins and then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit)  She told me my granddaddy is turning over in his grave.  She told me I was naive and foolish and allowed the people in New York to take advantage of me because I was just a country girl.  After this phone call, I was crying so hard and was extremely hurt.  As I was going through this pain my brother called me and cursed me out for hurting my mom and then my sister called me and told me off, also.  I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I had to hold on to the truth.  Finally, my Aunt Shirley called me.  This is how the conversation went.  "Hey, Gwen how is everything going."  (Instantly, in my mind I knew she had spoken to my mom because I could tell in her tone that she was heading somewhere.)  I told her what everyone had said and what  I had done and that I was not naive and that I studied the bible for myself and understand what  God wanted me to do and I did not follow people, but I was following what was right according to the word.  I told her why I was baptized and how I know I did the right thing.  She listened patiently to everything I said.  After I finish speaking, this is what she said to me, "Gwen, you are more braver then anyone of us down here and I'm going to tell your mom to leave you alone and let you go."  I broke down crying and I thanked her.  After that phone call, my mom called me back and apologized and my siblings did too.  I know my aunt talked to her and told her exactly what she said she would.  She never stopped believing in me.  She never stopped encouraging me and I am forever grateful for that.

Let's Go!

I've had an amazing couple of days.  This past Friday night I was able to perform in Bridgeport, Connecticut with a bunch of other people that is doing the Bridge Music campaign along with me. I was so inspired by everyone.  Now, here is the thing and this is my issue. I know that God has something amazing for my life because at every turn Satan is busy trying to attack me and discouraged me.  Leading up to the performance, I have been struggling with my insecurities and fears.  I fear what people think of me, what they may say about what I do or how I look.  I fear failure or success. I fear not knowing what I'm doing or doing something new and not doing it well.  I fear that I may not look good enough to be a singer/performer or that I'm to old to do this.  I fear, I fear, I fear!!!!! So, it's time to face my fears.  I can't stand being afraid of something and allowing it to hold me back. It is enough!

I am allowing my insecurities to come up to surface so that I can face them and not cover them up by fake confidence that has no foundation at all.  I have been praying to be everything that God has created me to be and I can't be that if I ALLOW myself to remain in my fears.  It's all Satan and his tricks.  I know that, but I have a power inside of me that is more powerful than he can ever be.  So, the other night my Father helped me to understand something about myself and about who He is.  He brought back to my memory the time when me, my brothers, my sisters and my cousins would run in the forest beside my grandparents house.  I would look at the wire and say, "ok, this looks scary, but I don't want to look like a punk or miss out on the fun so LET's Go!"  and I would go under the wire run and dart in the "forest" and just feel the adventure of the time.  God helped me to see that that is who I am.  I am not someone who looks at something and runs away or is immobile.  I look at it, examine it, feel afraid, but then say "LET's Go!"  That is who I am.  Now that I am in Him, he says "LET's Go Together!"

On Friday, I felt all of the fears, the insecurities, but I prayed and knew that my Father was with me.  I even started to feel jealous of some of the other artists because people were boasting about them and not me.  I started comparing myself to them, but I realized that that is of the flesh and when we boast, that is not of God but of the world.  God spoke to me and helped me to see that the only thing that matters is what He thinks of me.  He approves of me.  He has qualified me and called me. He has anointed me for a time like this.
I hit the stage, allowed my Father to use me and He was glorified through it all.  That is my victory.  I made Him smile and I am happy with that.  (Now I have to always pray about being humble because sometimes when things like that happen I think it's me, but then I remember my stomach aches and my prayers before hand and the feeling of His Spirit over me and that brings me back to earth.)

I went to the Village Underground on Sunday night.  Haven't been there in a long time.  I've been scared.  I realized how much I have missed singing in the open mics there.  It can be very intimidating.  When I walked in, I went up to the host and he spoke to me as if he remembered me.  I knew that this was God.  I had an amazing time and was able to sing and connect with many people. (I sing after a man who said he was the Cat in the hat and did a rap about it.  It was so funny.  I didn't know how to start the song after that one!)
So, I am learning not to allow fear, insecurities or my own thoughts about myself stop me from being great for God.  I am a light that is meant to shine to the world for my Father's glory.  This is my purpose.
LET's Go!!

No more Fear!

OK, I've been afraid. I admit it.  I've been running away from what I'm called to do.  You know when you have been told to do something, but you don't feel like you are qualified to do it or you don't have what it takes to get the job done?  That is how I have been feeling.  I was thinking about Moses the other day and how God showed him the burning bush and spoke to him and told him to go and free his people.  You know what Moses did?  He told GOD that he can't speak well so send someone else.  He said this to God!  God chose him because He knew He had created Moses for this task but Moses didn't know this.  God also promised to be with him wherever he went.  Yes, this was no small thing going before Pharaoh and saying Let my people go.  I can understand Moses' fear.

I'm realizing in my life that some of the things that God tells me to do will not be a small thing and may look scary, but God knows what He has created me for.  I don't.  He promised me that He will be with me always, so I have to stop using the excuses of:  "I can't talk." "They sing better than me." "I'm not that intelligent." "I'm not beautiful." "I can't talk to them because they have more money than I do." "If I said this, they are going to think I'm crazy." (These are just some of the things that run through my mind.)

I know that Satan is trying to hold me back by using the fear tactic.  He knows my Father's plans to and how amazing they are.  Psalm 33 says that God has a purpose for our lives and it stands forever.  Do you believe that?  I had to grow in believing this.

I just came back from San Antonio, TX.  I went to a conference called World Discipleship Conference.  It was AMAZING!  From the lessons, the theme that stood out to me was it is time for me to do what I was created to do and stop living in fear but to live in faith.  God is with me.  He is before me.  He has qualified me and called me and my hope is in Him and He will not disappoint me or allow me to be put to shame.

THIS JOURNEY IS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE EXCITING!

Love

It is 11:57pm here in New York and I just came home from a concert that included three of my favorite artist: Ledisi, Eric Benet, and Tamia.  It was AWESOME! I am so excited and inspired!  Everytime I go to concerts its like my school and I'm one of the students in the audience as my teacher(the performer) is teaching me something new.  Tonight was something that I will never forget.  I've seen Ledisi perform before and she never lets you down. She always gives herself completely.  A couple of years ago was my first experience with seeing her live.  I was feeling hopeless about my career and not knowing where my life was going with it.  I wanted to give up and I did not see God in it all.  When I went to the concert, Ledisi looked in the audience at me(in my mind she was looking at me) and said "Never give up on your dreams.  Look at my life and see what God has done."(I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like that.)  Anyway, I had to meet her.  She moved me and encouraged me.  So, I found out she was going to be on 125th the next day.  I went to meet her, had the chance to talk to her, and she signed my cd.  It was AWESOME!  I am excited about what God is going to do with my life.

My first love

When I was in college, I remember looking out of the window in my dormitory and thinking that I didn't belong.  The window was a glass I was looking out of into the world that I was not a part of.  This represented my life.  I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now.  On my search for God, I've done things that I am not proud of and when I think about it, I wonder why me.  I went to clubs, got drunk several times, and messed around with different men trying to figure out myself, thinking I was really enjoying this life.  All the time, I was still empty.  I am so grateful for a friend that I had that gave me a bible and showed me some scriptures.  I grew up religious, but didn't know Jesus.  I didn't have a relationship with Him.  I went to church on Sundays, but did everything else I wanted to do the other days.  I didn't understand the darkness that I was in.  I just knew I was empty and nothing I did filled my heart.  I was depressed and didn't know how to get out of it. I began to feel desperate.  I seriously wanted God, but everywhere I went, I saw fakeness and people doing the same thing I was doing, but pretending to be so holy.  I knew that was wrong and wanted nothing to do with it.  I started teaching school when I graduated and I thought that that would give me joy, but I became even more depressed.  I was not happy.  I was not fulfilled.  I was at home with my parents, saving money so that I could move to a big city.  At the time, I didn't know where.  I thought a music career would help me, so I decided to try to send out my demo and see who would reply.  No one did. One day, I was walking by the TV and "New York Undercover" was on and I heard a voice say to me "This is where you are moving to."  I was like, OK.  Then, one day I was walking down the dirt road, (yes, I am from the dirty south, the country and I claim with pride my countriness), and I heard a voice say, "If you were asked to be baptized again, would you be?"  Instantly my answer was yes.  At this point in my life, I was examining my life and questioning my salvation.  I was baptized when I was 12, but I did it because other people were and I did not know my sins or repent of them before I was baptized, so I did not have the Spirit at the time, but, up until I was 23, I thought I was "OK" or "saved" even though I was messing around with men, getting drunk on Saturday night in the club and going to church on Sunday.  Something in me (my conscious) knew something was wrong.  I wanted to change.  I knew God was with me, but it wasn't complete.  I could feel it and God knew that I wanted Him.  Now, my search led me to visit New York and on that visit, me and my boyfriend at the, went to a church service.  Instantly, before I met the people, I saw a flood of light and felt instantly at peace.  I knew this was where my Father was leading me.  I went back home and prayed, if New York was the place for me to move to, that God would place me in Christian hands and protect me.  I moved here on June 21, 1998 and began to study the bible the next day.  I grew in understanding the love Jesus has for me and what my response should be because of that love.  I decided to give my life completely to Him and allow Him to be my Lord, so I was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of His Holy Spirit on July 5, 1998.  From that day to this time, I have been on this journey in growing more like Jesus, more in love with Him.  I now can look back at that time when I was in college and understand that it parallels my life now as a disciple of Christ.  I am in the world, but not of the world.  I am looking through spiritual lenses into a place where I do not belong.  I understand now that God has brought me to Himself, through His Son to a love that I can't explain and could not imagine.  I am with the one who loved me first.  Jesus is my first love.

Hope

In everything, regardless of your situation, there is always hope.  I had to learn this because at several times in my life, I felt hopeless or faithless.  I felt beaten down and pushed against the wall.  After I stopped teaching full time a couple of years ago, my finances changed drastically.  I went from almost making $70,000 a year plus benefits to making about $15,000 a year (if that).  I felt defeated, like I had no identity or no confidence at all.  All of my worth was coming from my job security, my status in peoples eyes.  At one time I could say "I'm a math teacher at Frederick Douglass Academy 2 school"  and receive respect or acknowledgement, but now I was a struggling artist that had to go back to teaching as a substitute in order to make income.  I had no insurance and no retirement plan.  NOTHING.  I felt ashamed, like God had given up on me by allowing me to make the decision to quit teaching and giving me a dream that He was not answering at the time.  I was angry, to say the least, but I had to fight back and understand that even when a situation looks hopeless there is always still hope.  I remember one time listening to the Spirit and He was teaching me to look past the problems and see the promises.  Stop focusing on the problems because what you put your mind on the most becomes your truth and see the promises.  So, I started fixing my eyes more on God's promises and believing them for myself.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It hit me that He was saying this to the Israelites when they were in exile and enslaved.  This was their most humble point in their lives and I was at my most humbled point in my life and God was telling me that in the midst of my financial drama and my inward depression that He still had plans for me, plans to prosper my life and not harm me and plans to give me a hope and a future.  I had to believe that for myself and see this as my truth.  Then, He showed me that He is always detailed.  So, every part of my life is detailed or laid out to the smallest portion.  He thinks about me. He thinks about you.  He ponders ways that He can meet our needs.  He helped me to understand that, in Him, there is always hope.  Hope is truly understanding that God is working for my behalf and having the faith that backs that up.  It's not a faithless hope like "I hope this will happen one day"  or "I hope my life will change."  No, it's truly believing what God says for your life and truly having faith (true hope) in what He says is true.  This helped me through one of the  most darkest periods in my life.  I felt God's presence with me, helping me grow deeper in understanding in Him and comforting me.  I would not change the things I've gone through because they have helped me develop a faith, a hope that I can use as I go through many other things in this life, on this journey.

Just a thought

This past year has been great.  This is my 4th year substituting. (Yes, I would have never imagined this, but this is my life.) I can say this has been my best year.  I've been thinking about why.  Is it because God is answering prayers that I prayed years ago and I now see them coming true? (I'm signed with an independent label with a major producer who has connections in the industry and who understands my life as a disciple and wants to push that to the fore front.  This is a prayer I prayed a couple of years ago.)  Also, I'm content.  I'm not looking back at when I was teaching full time and making a lot more money with benefits and enjoying that, but I'm enjoying where I am and meeting the different kids that I meet everyday and having the little interactions with them for the first time.  I love it.  I never thought that I would.  I think it's because my mindset as changed.  I changed how I saw my situation.  I no longer look at it with a "woe is me" attitude and grumble every time I step in a school or complain about everything.  I see it with a different mindset now.  Rom 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds then we can test and approve of what God's will is, His good and perfect will.  I have been practicing this and my mind has been changing so my situations have been changing and my heart and mind is more positive because I have been taking captive of my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ.  I am completely grateful for the challenges I have gone through over the past years and the things that are coming in my life.  Those challenges have helped me to grow up and mature.  I have been also seeing Christ deeper.  He is my best friend.  He is the kind of friend that you know already loves you completely and there is nothing you can do to gain it but you just have to accept it.  I'm learning more and more how to just accept it and relish in Him.  Not in a religious way, but truly in an intense relationship way.  He's only asking me to love Him back and to love Him is obeying His words, living for Him completely.  Just thinking about this and writing this gives me warm feelings inside.  (I'm blushing.) I'm completely in love!! I'm doing whatever I can do to hold on to Him.  He's already holding on to me.  This is great!  Anyway, I just wanted to share what was on my mind.

New Year

Ok, last year had so many ups and downs.  Now I must admit, the past 3 or 4 years have had a lot of ups and downs for me, but I always try to start off each year hopeful.  It has been difficult starting this year off in that way.  I have so many dreams that I want to come true.  I am tired of being a "professional" substitute teacher and I seriously want to start my career. Maintaining my faith has been challenging.  I know that my Father has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  Just the other day, I had little money in my bank account but many bills.  After going over my Time Warner Cable bill, con ed (lights almost being turned off), and my credit card bill, I prayed and said to my Father that He has to make a way for me to pay my bills.  I had 4 days to pay my con ed or else my lights were going to be turned off.  I couldn't stress it.  I've been down this road before, but I have learned to depend on God and to see that He always makes a way, even if I don't know how.  The next morning I checked my account and I had over $600 in my account.  You should have seen me dancing around my apartment.  I was able to pay all of my bills and have some left over.  That is how my Father does it.  Now, I'm in a little dilemma.  Pursuing a music career is one of the hardest things because its about who you know and putting yourself out there to know people.  I have been doing this for many years and I've come to the point, on this path, that I'm tired of the pursuit.  I just want a door to open up for me somewhere.  Many doors have, but they would always close and not be where or what my Father would want for me to do.  So now, here I am again, at this path on the road trying to see what I should do.  I pray, "Father, lead me to the doors that you want me to go through.  Show me a miracle."  I have been praying this prayer for a long time and He has shown me a lot of miracles, but I am still working as a "professional" substitute teacher.  Sometimes I feel that I can't call myself an artist or a professional singer because it's not where I am making all of my money from.  I'm scared.  I don't want to repeat this cycle over and over again.  I want to move forward.  The thing is, if I was to say I wanted to be a principal or a counselor, then that would be easy.  I would go back to school and get my master's.  The path is so clear on that one, but it's so different as an artist.  This path is truly about walking by faith and not by sight.  I was hanging with a girlfriend yesterday and I told her that God has given me many visions.  They are so real.  I can feel it.  I am living it, but then, they are gone.  It's like you are at a store and you want to get something behind a glass.  You see it and it is real to you, but you can't touch it yet until someone gives it to you.  That is my life.  I can't touch my dream yet until God says it's ok and He gives it to me.  Many people are mistaken when they think they control their fate.  That is so not true.  You have a decision or choices that you can make, but God has the first reply.  He is the one that says yes, its ok.  He is my Father and He has promised to protect me on this journey.  I am finally seeing it as a journey and learning what it means to enjoy the journey.  But, that is sooooo hard to do.  God wants me to see that He is my portion, my everything.  He gives us everything.  Everything comes from Him, so, it just makes sense to let Him be my portion.  The Spirit is the only way I am understanding that.  Anyway, I am here, on this journey, waiting expectantly, hopefully, and sometimes quietly for what's to come.  I am so excited about what is coming and can't wait to share with you all of my experiences.