My first love

When I was in college, I remember looking out of the window in my dormitory and thinking that I didn't belong.  The window was a glass I was looking out of into the world that I was not a part of.  This represented my life.  I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now.  On my search for God, I've done things that I am not proud of and when I think about it, I wonder why me.  I went to clubs, got drunk several times, and messed around with different men trying to figure out myself, thinking I was really enjoying this life.  All the time, I was still empty.  I am so grateful for a friend that I had that gave me a bible and showed me some scriptures.  I grew up religious, but didn't know Jesus.  I didn't have a relationship with Him.  I went to church on Sundays, but did everything else I wanted to do the other days.  I didn't understand the darkness that I was in.  I just knew I was empty and nothing I did filled my heart.  I was depressed and didn't know how to get out of it. I began to feel desperate.  I seriously wanted God, but everywhere I went, I saw fakeness and people doing the same thing I was doing, but pretending to be so holy.  I knew that was wrong and wanted nothing to do with it.  I started teaching school when I graduated and I thought that that would give me joy, but I became even more depressed.  I was not happy.  I was not fulfilled.  I was at home with my parents, saving money so that I could move to a big city.  At the time, I didn't know where.  I thought a music career would help me, so I decided to try to send out my demo and see who would reply.  No one did. One day, I was walking by the TV and "New York Undercover" was on and I heard a voice say to me "This is where you are moving to."  I was like, OK.  Then, one day I was walking down the dirt road, (yes, I am from the dirty south, the country and I claim with pride my countriness), and I heard a voice say, "If you were asked to be baptized again, would you be?"  Instantly my answer was yes.  At this point in my life, I was examining my life and questioning my salvation.  I was baptized when I was 12, but I did it because other people were and I did not know my sins or repent of them before I was baptized, so I did not have the Spirit at the time, but, up until I was 23, I thought I was "OK" or "saved" even though I was messing around with men, getting drunk on Saturday night in the club and going to church on Sunday.  Something in me (my conscious) knew something was wrong.  I wanted to change.  I knew God was with me, but it wasn't complete.  I could feel it and God knew that I wanted Him.  Now, my search led me to visit New York and on that visit, me and my boyfriend at the, went to a church service.  Instantly, before I met the people, I saw a flood of light and felt instantly at peace.  I knew this was where my Father was leading me.  I went back home and prayed, if New York was the place for me to move to, that God would place me in Christian hands and protect me.  I moved here on June 21, 1998 and began to study the bible the next day.  I grew in understanding the love Jesus has for me and what my response should be because of that love.  I decided to give my life completely to Him and allow Him to be my Lord, so I was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of His Holy Spirit on July 5, 1998.  From that day to this time, I have been on this journey in growing more like Jesus, more in love with Him.  I now can look back at that time when I was in college and understand that it parallels my life now as a disciple of Christ.  I am in the world, but not of the world.  I am looking through spiritual lenses into a place where I do not belong.  I understand now that God has brought me to Himself, through His Son to a love that I can't explain and could not imagine.  I am with the one who loved me first.  Jesus is my first love.