The Aftermath

I've been full of emotion over the past days.  Tropical Storm Sandy has come and gone, but the results still remain.  I was not affected by it physically or materialistically, but I have been affected emotionally.  I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I have electricity, food, and a home when millions of people are without.  I know that I shouldn't and that I have nothing to do with this, but I am fighting to fight this feeling.  Would I feel better if I had some issues happening to me?  I don't think so.  I am a complex person and I am really understanding that about myself.

I went to volunteer the other day with Red Cross in Long Island and I met this woman there who had no electricity and she was trying to keep herself together with the kids she had. She stood before me in tears and all I could do is hug her and whisper to her that this may feel like it's forever but it is not and for her to hold on.  When we finished talking a cop came and told her about a shelter she could go to.  That was an answered prayer.

I believe my Father has allowed these things to happen in hopes that hearts will turn to Him and not away from Him.  While watching TV yesterday, the news anchor said the IPhone 5, without electricity, is like a rock you can toss in the water.  He is right.  I believe that God wants us to be truly aware of who He is and who we are and that everything on this earth is temporary and will perish.  See how easy the houses were destroyed and the rampage the storm had in NJ and some parts of NY? God is powerful and He wants  us to be aware of His power and turn to Him.  He has been trying to get our attention in so many ways and this is one of them.  He wants us to turn from our wicked ways and turn to serve Him completely with everything.

Remember that there is no one good but God and all of us have sinned and turned away from Him.  We all need His forgiveness.  He is the only one who can.  He wants us to have a true relationship with Him and not be "religious".  Religiosity has been leading many to hell and that is not where our Father wants us to go.  He wants us to be with Him and to wake up from the slumber we have been in.  I pray that Tropical Storm Sandy is a wake up call for many of us.  I pray that, in the months to come, that many of us will draw closer to God and watch Him do great things in our lives and experience the hope, the love that comes from being in Him.

 Paul said it this way in Phil. 4:12-13:  ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

 I pray that we learn and apply this "secret" to every part of our lives.

Overcomer

If you don't know, I've been pursuing a singing career for a while now.  I moved to New York to sing, but it has been an intense journey.  It's taken time for me to look at my life as a journey and learn how to enjoy it.  While on this path, I've taught school for several years, was a book keeper for several years, and temp for some time, but never stopped focusing on the vision that has always been in my heart:  a music career.  The past 4 years have been some of my toughest.  I've been behind on my bills, almost homeless, had to get food stamps, and had to apply for unemployment over the summer.  But, in all of this, I still have hope.  Life tried to beat it out of me.  No, Satan tried to beat hope(faith) out of me.  I think that my enemy was trying to beat that out of me because he knows the impact my life is going to have on the lives of many people.  Yes, I'm speaking this into existence.

I've learned that I have to start speaking the truth, God's truth, over my life and stop being afraid of what people will think about me.  "Oh, she's prideful or full of herself."  No.  It's good to think that you are special and to know that you are created for a purpose.  It's good to understand that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and that you are loved deeper than what you can ever imagine.  I have struggled with low self esteem for to long now and trying to get gratification from people or my talents and I've come to realize that these things are temporary.  I have to get it from the one who created me.  I can't be shy of being a light or afraid anymore because of over shining other people.  When my life is blessed or when I'm doing great things, it encourages others and brings glory to my Father.  I am tired of being one of those Christians who stand on the side lines and scared to step out because of the mean old world and truly missing out on the purpose I was created for.  No!  My Father is bigger than all of this and my big brother, Jesus, has authority over all of this so why are we so afraid. It's time for us, true disciples of Christ, to rise up and live our lives boldly and unapologetic because there are so many people who need to see God through us, who are looking and searching for hope.  I pray that my life and the trials that I have overcome encourages you and gives you hope.

The Waiting Game

I feel like every part of my life, at this moment, is about waiting.  Waiting on a career, waiting on a relationship, waiting on money, waiting waiting waiting.  If you can not tell, I've been frustrated, irritated, and exasperated. (Wanted to rhyme a little.)  But, I've come to understand that when I'm like this, I'm being impatient with God, irritated towards God, frustrated with God, and exasperated with God.  This is scary!  Who am I to feel this way towards my creator?  Who am I to feel this way towards the one who loves me completely even when I'm feeling this way towards Him?

He is always working on my behalf. Always!  He never stops working for my good.  My situations have not been looking good, but that does not change who my Father is.  He never changes.  So, I'm learning a lot about waiting.  In the waiting times, He is testing my heart to see if I will remain faithful towards Him, loyal to Him.  We are in a relationship and He is loyal towards me so He wants me to be loyal towards Him.  It is the least I can do. I have been thinking a lot about Abraham, Joseph, and David.  Each one of these men had amazing callings on their lives and all of them knew that God had a purpose for them individually, but each one of the had to go through tests of their faith.  Abraham had to wait 25 years to receive his blessing.  Joseph had to wait 17 years to walk into his purpose and David had to wait for years to become king even though he was anointed.  Each one had to suffer, go through trials so that their hearts, characters could be refined in order for them to be prepared to do what they were created to do.

Romans 15:4 says "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."  HOPE.  That is what Satan is trying to snatch away as we go through the waiting period.  He is trying to steal our faith, but we must learn how to wait while our Father is at work.  He tells us to wait quietly, patiently, and expectantly on Him.  But, as I have said before, I have been waiting scared, doubtful, questioning His love for me when things don't go the way I want them to, and just forgetting what He has already done in my life.  I'm amazed at the depth of God's love for me and how He continues to be patient with me as I learn how to wait on Him and be patient as He takes care of my life.

It's really silly when you think about it.  It's like I'm being a little child telling my Father:  "I want this now!" but my Father says, "No, it's not time and if you had it now it will hurt you, so you have to wait."  I say, "No, I can handle it.  I want this now!  It's what I've always wanted.  I think I'm at a place to handle it."  My Father says, "I created you.  I actually know you more than you know yourself, so, who do you think has the better judgement in this situation?"

It's crazy, but God is love.  He has been helping me endure as I wait on Him to do His will for my life and I am excited about the plans He has considered for my life and the details that have been laid out for me.  It makes me feel secure when I think about it this way and I feel safe in Him, in His hands, as I continue to WAIT.

Saying Goodbye to my Aunt Shirley

A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt Shirley went to sleep and will not wake up until the end.  In other words, she died.  I miss her, but I know she is better off.  She had cancer and was in a lot of pain.  I spoke with her a month ago, but it was brief.  She was describing to me what was going on and she could hear in my tone that I was sad.  I couldn't disguise it.  When I went home a few months ago, I wanted to see her but I didn't have the chance to. By the time I got there, she and my uncle had left.  When I first began this journey to New York, she was the one who took me to the travel agency so that I could get a ticket here.  When I moved here, I began to study the bible and I learned so much about God and the things I needed to change in my life.  After I was baptized, I called home to share the great news with my mom.  She didn't think it was that great.  She asked me why did I get baptized again after I had been baptized when I was 12 years old.  I told her that I didn't know my sins then and did not understand what it meant to repent of them then, so, my baptism was null and void.  (In Acts 2:38 Peter tells people how to enter the Kingdom of God-Repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of sins and then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit)  She told me my granddaddy is turning over in his grave.  She told me I was naive and foolish and allowed the people in New York to take advantage of me because I was just a country girl.  After this phone call, I was crying so hard and was extremely hurt.  As I was going through this pain my brother called me and cursed me out for hurting my mom and then my sister called me and told me off, also.  I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I had to hold on to the truth.  Finally, my Aunt Shirley called me.  This is how the conversation went.  "Hey, Gwen how is everything going."  (Instantly, in my mind I knew she had spoken to my mom because I could tell in her tone that she was heading somewhere.)  I told her what everyone had said and what  I had done and that I was not naive and that I studied the bible for myself and understand what  God wanted me to do and I did not follow people, but I was following what was right according to the word.  I told her why I was baptized and how I know I did the right thing.  She listened patiently to everything I said.  After I finish speaking, this is what she said to me, "Gwen, you are more braver then anyone of us down here and I'm going to tell your mom to leave you alone and let you go."  I broke down crying and I thanked her.  After that phone call, my mom called me back and apologized and my siblings did too.  I know my aunt talked to her and told her exactly what she said she would.  She never stopped believing in me.  She never stopped encouraging me and I am forever grateful for that.

Let's Go!

I've had an amazing couple of days.  This past Friday night I was able to perform in Bridgeport, Connecticut with a bunch of other people that is doing the Bridge Music campaign along with me. I was so inspired by everyone.  Now, here is the thing and this is my issue. I know that God has something amazing for my life because at every turn Satan is busy trying to attack me and discouraged me.  Leading up to the performance, I have been struggling with my insecurities and fears.  I fear what people think of me, what they may say about what I do or how I look.  I fear failure or success. I fear not knowing what I'm doing or doing something new and not doing it well.  I fear that I may not look good enough to be a singer/performer or that I'm to old to do this.  I fear, I fear, I fear!!!!! So, it's time to face my fears.  I can't stand being afraid of something and allowing it to hold me back. It is enough!

I am allowing my insecurities to come up to surface so that I can face them and not cover them up by fake confidence that has no foundation at all.  I have been praying to be everything that God has created me to be and I can't be that if I ALLOW myself to remain in my fears.  It's all Satan and his tricks.  I know that, but I have a power inside of me that is more powerful than he can ever be.  So, the other night my Father helped me to understand something about myself and about who He is.  He brought back to my memory the time when me, my brothers, my sisters and my cousins would run in the forest beside my grandparents house.  I would look at the wire and say, "ok, this looks scary, but I don't want to look like a punk or miss out on the fun so LET's Go!"  and I would go under the wire run and dart in the "forest" and just feel the adventure of the time.  God helped me to see that that is who I am.  I am not someone who looks at something and runs away or is immobile.  I look at it, examine it, feel afraid, but then say "LET's Go!"  That is who I am.  Now that I am in Him, he says "LET's Go Together!"

On Friday, I felt all of the fears, the insecurities, but I prayed and knew that my Father was with me.  I even started to feel jealous of some of the other artists because people were boasting about them and not me.  I started comparing myself to them, but I realized that that is of the flesh and when we boast, that is not of God but of the world.  God spoke to me and helped me to see that the only thing that matters is what He thinks of me.  He approves of me.  He has qualified me and called me. He has anointed me for a time like this.
I hit the stage, allowed my Father to use me and He was glorified through it all.  That is my victory.  I made Him smile and I am happy with that.  (Now I have to always pray about being humble because sometimes when things like that happen I think it's me, but then I remember my stomach aches and my prayers before hand and the feeling of His Spirit over me and that brings me back to earth.)

I went to the Village Underground on Sunday night.  Haven't been there in a long time.  I've been scared.  I realized how much I have missed singing in the open mics there.  It can be very intimidating.  When I walked in, I went up to the host and he spoke to me as if he remembered me.  I knew that this was God.  I had an amazing time and was able to sing and connect with many people. (I sing after a man who said he was the Cat in the hat and did a rap about it.  It was so funny.  I didn't know how to start the song after that one!)
So, I am learning not to allow fear, insecurities or my own thoughts about myself stop me from being great for God.  I am a light that is meant to shine to the world for my Father's glory.  This is my purpose.
LET's Go!!

No more Fear!

OK, I've been afraid. I admit it.  I've been running away from what I'm called to do.  You know when you have been told to do something, but you don't feel like you are qualified to do it or you don't have what it takes to get the job done?  That is how I have been feeling.  I was thinking about Moses the other day and how God showed him the burning bush and spoke to him and told him to go and free his people.  You know what Moses did?  He told GOD that he can't speak well so send someone else.  He said this to God!  God chose him because He knew He had created Moses for this task but Moses didn't know this.  God also promised to be with him wherever he went.  Yes, this was no small thing going before Pharaoh and saying Let my people go.  I can understand Moses' fear.

I'm realizing in my life that some of the things that God tells me to do will not be a small thing and may look scary, but God knows what He has created me for.  I don't.  He promised me that He will be with me always, so I have to stop using the excuses of:  "I can't talk." "They sing better than me." "I'm not that intelligent." "I'm not beautiful." "I can't talk to them because they have more money than I do." "If I said this, they are going to think I'm crazy." (These are just some of the things that run through my mind.)

I know that Satan is trying to hold me back by using the fear tactic.  He knows my Father's plans to and how amazing they are.  Psalm 33 says that God has a purpose for our lives and it stands forever.  Do you believe that?  I had to grow in believing this.

I just came back from San Antonio, TX.  I went to a conference called World Discipleship Conference.  It was AMAZING!  From the lessons, the theme that stood out to me was it is time for me to do what I was created to do and stop living in fear but to live in faith.  God is with me.  He is before me.  He has qualified me and called me and my hope is in Him and He will not disappoint me or allow me to be put to shame.

THIS JOURNEY IS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE EXCITING!

Love

It is 11:57pm here in New York and I just came home from a concert that included three of my favorite artist: Ledisi, Eric Benet, and Tamia.  It was AWESOME! I am so excited and inspired!  Everytime I go to concerts its like my school and I'm one of the students in the audience as my teacher(the performer) is teaching me something new.  Tonight was something that I will never forget.  I've seen Ledisi perform before and she never lets you down. She always gives herself completely.  A couple of years ago was my first experience with seeing her live.  I was feeling hopeless about my career and not knowing where my life was going with it.  I wanted to give up and I did not see God in it all.  When I went to the concert, Ledisi looked in the audience at me(in my mind she was looking at me) and said "Never give up on your dreams.  Look at my life and see what God has done."(I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like that.)  Anyway, I had to meet her.  She moved me and encouraged me.  So, I found out she was going to be on 125th the next day.  I went to meet her, had the chance to talk to her, and she signed my cd.  It was AWESOME!  I am excited about what God is going to do with my life.