Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

As I'm sitting here resting from my thanksgiving break and overall overworked life, I'm trying to think of what to say.  I haven't written a post over the past months because I've been sick and tired.  Someone would ask me how I'm feeling.  My response is tired and sometimes sick.  I'm tired of being this way.  So, I've come to a decision.  I have to learn how to rest.  My life is constantly busy and I know that I am not by myself in this.  I have to learn how to find a balance.  I want to be able to do all that I am created to do, but in order to do that, I have to have the energy to.  So, here's what I'm planning on doing:  I have to sleep, change my diet, exercise, and remain close to Jesus.  

More than physically tired, I've been emotionally tired.  I realized why a couple of weeks ago after talking to one of my friends.  She said that when we are fighting against God or not being obedient to God, than we are tired even more.  It's like this scripture:

Luke 14:31-32
31 “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33 In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.
My life is not my life anymore.  When I said Jesus is Lord, I said that this life belongs to Him and I am trusting Him to lead me on the path He wants me to go.  I have been tired because I've been wanting my way.  When I am deciding to follow my emotions, I am wanting my own way.  When I am deciding to be angry, to lust, to have malice in my heart, to hate or be impure, I am deciding to take my life back.  Jesus owns me.  I belong to him and when I decide to follow my ways and not his ways, I am an enemy going against him and I will get tired and beaten until I surrender to him.  I have decided to surrender.  

What I am learning is that sometimes we try to blame Satan for everything, but he only does what we allow him to do.  When we are in Christ, he has no power over us other than the power we give to him.  I have given my power away to him again and again when I decide to follow what I "feel", what I "think is right", or what is against Jesus words.  When I follow my emotions, which I fall into a lot, I am giving more power to my flesh, feeding my sinful nature, more than feeding the Spirit of God.  He lives in me and I am now deciding that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and that I will repent, which means fight against following myself, my feelings, my emotions, and be obedient to His words, what He wants me to do. 
I hope this helps some of you who struggle with emotionalism and feel lost and want to change it.  The only way out is through Jesus.  We have to fix our eyes on Him.  He is the author and perfecter of our faith and the only way to live a full life, a life filled with peace and joy is through Him.  
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

My Retreat

Hey, ya'll.  I couldn't go to bed until I wrote this about my retreat.  I had to get away from the city.  I felt like I was going crazy.  I was recovering from being sick, working all summer, and having an overall hard year.  I NEEDED a break.  So, God allowed me to find a place in the Poconos to go to that was exactly what I needed.  Emotionally, I've been going through a lot.  Dealing with a break up is not easy even when you know that it is for the best.  Also, I'm waiting for God to open up the door for my next adventure and as I wait, my heart has gone through so many changes.  I've been fighting against God's decisions for my life at the moment and making it hard for myself.  I've been discontented with my life and just, overall, not loving my job.  I've been heart broken by my relationship and the turn that we are in now.  We are right where we need to be though.

On my retreat, I was able to cry and pour my heart out to God and to feel His love with me.  He is helping me to see that I need to stop fighting against Him and accept where He places me in my life because He is doing everything for my good.  When I do, I will be more happier and much more joyful.  Also, I can't worry about my future because He is working that out too.  I am just where I am suppose to be and will be ready when He says it's time to go forward.  When I went to Bushkill Falls, I had the chance to do a hike.  On the hike, I was able to see so many beautiful things.  It was so peaceful.  I was in the creek and had the chance to dig for rocks.  (I'm going somewhere with this....)

After making it to the last waterfall, I stood there staring at the fall.  I wanted to know what the summation would be for my retreat.  God revealed it to me:

He is the creator of all things.  Rocks speak and listen and can testify against us.  The trees raise their hands to God and even clap.  The waters speak.   We are creations also.  As one of the creations, I have been given different talents, different abilities.  The waterfall, trees, and rocks have been given different talents and abilities.  When I was looking at the waterfall, the word awesome just kept coming in my heart and my mind.  God showed me that the same way that people are willing to travel from miles around to stare and the awesomeness of the waterfall is how He wants people to look at my life and be in awe.  The waterfall is doing exactly what it is created to do.  It was given the ability to do all of what it is doing.  In the same matter, I have been given different abilities to do what I am created to do and when I do it, people will be in awe, but God will get the glory.  When I looked at the waterfall, I was amazed, but I started thanking God for creating something so amazing and allowing me to see it.  This is what our lives are suppose to do for God.  Our lives are suppose to be awesome and amazing and reflect the glory of God.  I am so grateful for this message and I pray that it is embedded in my soul and that it prayerfully helps some of you.

What else can I say?

I know that it has been a while since I posted anything.  I don't know what to say.  I've had an overwhelming couple of months.  I have to honest.  I started this blog because I wanted to share the great things that God has been doing in my life, but it has been hard to write anything or to want to share when the times have not been so great.  Honestly, it has been down right hard.  I have been tested and tried and my faith has been refined.  I have been going through the fire.  I am still going through the fire, but, the point is that I am going through it and not remaining in it.  My faith has been attacked on all levels that I could not have imagined and didn't want to.  This has been my living hell.  I may sound extreme but this is how I have felt.  This is one reason:

I have been dreaming of being a professional entertainer since I was 6  years old.  I moved to New York 16 years ago in order to pursue this dream.  After moving here, it has been an uphill journey.  I've gone through my deserts and valleys and have had some mountain top moments, but it has been a complete journey.  I think of my life like when the Israelites were freed from Egypt and had to go through the Red Sea(faith), through the desert being fed manna and quail(faith), and then to have the chance to go to Canaan but had to wonder in the desert for 40 years(lack of faith).  They doubted the promise of God.  They didn't believe Him when He told them to go and take the land that He was giving it to them.  They looked at the task of defeating the giants and how powerful they were and were afraid and refused to listen to faith, to the 2 men who tried to stand for God.  They decided to follow the 10 men who were afraid and who overpowered the 2.

My life can be like this.  My fears I've had in my mind, in my heart, the doubts about my future and my life and my career, the anxiety that I have about the direction I see my life going can over power me and I can "listen to the 10 and ignore the 2".  The word of God is the "2".  My own mind and heart can sound louder to me than His words.  But God has proven to me who He is and that He is faithful and is leading me into Canaan.

I believe God.  I want to receive the blessings He has in store for me.  I know that I'm going to have to fight pass my negative thoughts, anxieties, and other emotions that come up, but the battle is not mine, it is the Lord's.  My life belongs to Him and I am being led into the life, the plans that He has for me that will bring glory to Him.  I am grateful that He chose me to bring glory to him.  When I struggle and others see my struggle, but see how Jesus helps me overcome it, that brings glory to God.  When I persevere through my sufferings and don't allow my heart to get embittered or complacent, that brings glory to my Father.  When I hold on to His truths and live this life for His glory and not compromise, that brings glory to Him.  When I am submissive to His will in my life, even when His will is for me to suffer, that brings glory to Him.  Everything is so my Father will be glorified and that the world will know that He is God.  I am learning a lot.  It has not been easy and I am still in the fire, but I will not be burned.  I am still feeling the waters coming against me, but they will not overcome me.  I have felt like the mountains are being overpowered and the earth is shaking underneath my feet, but I have not been moved.  Jesus is with me and is true to His words: "I am with you till the very end of the ages."

Is. 43:1-3  But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, Your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."   

What a Day....

It is now 11:07pm (eastern time) and I could not go to sleep without telling ya'll about what happened today.  This morning, some of you may know, I was suppose to go to the studio to record.  The studio that I'm going to work out of with my producer, Herb Middleton, is in Delaware.  I rented a car the night before and went to pick up my friend and her child and then we were going to pick up my boyfriend so that we could all go to Delaware.  Now, as my friend and I was driving to pick up Joe, I hit a pot hole and got a flat tire.  (This is just the beginning.)  We made it to Joe's place and, being the amazing man that he is, he instantly started changing the flat tire.  Now we could be on our way, right?  Wrong.  Got a call from my producer saying that we were going to have to reschedule because of some technical difficulties.  That was great and I am grateful that we were still in NY and were not on the road.  God is amazing!! Not finished yet.  I decided to come back to my apartment and pick up some stuff to take to my new apartment.  (I'm moving to BX).  Anyway, I found this "great" parking spot in front of my building that was just waiting for me.  It was on some ice, but, I figured it was where I was meant to park.  An hour later, my friend  and I, along with her baby, came out and got in the car.  I tried to pull off and couldn't!  I was wondering what is going on here, God!  It was crazy.  I couldn't back up or go forward.  (I have to say this before I go on:  The block that I live on is known for the crackheads and the drug dealers.  So, I needed to preference that before moving forward.)  From the other side of the street, one of the neighborhood crackheads came to help me out.  She pulled out a cardboard box from the garbage and tried her best to help me.  I found a screw driver, (she couldn't bring out her ice pick cus it's her weapon) and she was trying to pick the ice away from in front of my tire.  Then, another crackhead or drug dealer, named Smurf came out of no where and started to try to help me.  She started sharing with us how horrible her Valentine's day was so, it was some relief to take out her anger on the ice.  Then, she and the other one recruited about 4 other dudes to come and chip at the ice and push the car out.  The next thing we knew, we had 6 or so crack heads/drug dealers working with all of the heart to help us out of the ice so that we could go.  I am AMAZED!  It blew my mind and showed me my heart because I've been in this neighborhood for a couple of years, but was to arrogant to talk to them, but now I needed help and who showed up to help me? The crackheads and drug dealers.  (Lord, I pray to get this lesson.)
I had a long day, but this was one of the main things that happened in my day that I wanted to share because it taught me a lot about really seeing myself with sober judgement and never putting up my nose at others and thinking that I'm better than they are just because of their life circumstances.  I really pray to have a changed heart.
Rom 12:3 Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.