My first love

When I was in college, I remember looking out of the window in my dormitory and thinking that I didn't belong.  The window was a glass I was looking out of into the world that I was not a part of.  This represented my life.  I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now.  On my search for God, I've done things that I am not proud of and when I think about it, I wonder why me.  I went to clubs, got drunk several times, and messed around with different men trying to figure out myself, thinking I was really enjoying this life.  All the time, I was still empty.  I am so grateful for a friend that I had that gave me a bible and showed me some scriptures.  I grew up religious, but didn't know Jesus.  I didn't have a relationship with Him.  I went to church on Sundays, but did everything else I wanted to do the other days.  I didn't understand the darkness that I was in.  I just knew I was empty and nothing I did filled my heart.  I was depressed and didn't know how to get out of it. I began to feel desperate.  I seriously wanted God, but everywhere I went, I saw fakeness and people doing the same thing I was doing, but pretending to be so holy.  I knew that was wrong and wanted nothing to do with it.  I started teaching school when I graduated and I thought that that would give me joy, but I became even more depressed.  I was not happy.  I was not fulfilled.  I was at home with my parents, saving money so that I could move to a big city.  At the time, I didn't know where.  I thought a music career would help me, so I decided to try to send out my demo and see who would reply.  No one did. One day, I was walking by the TV and "New York Undercover" was on and I heard a voice say to me "This is where you are moving to."  I was like, OK.  Then, one day I was walking down the dirt road, (yes, I am from the dirty south, the country and I claim with pride my countriness), and I heard a voice say, "If you were asked to be baptized again, would you be?"  Instantly my answer was yes.  At this point in my life, I was examining my life and questioning my salvation.  I was baptized when I was 12, but I did it because other people were and I did not know my sins or repent of them before I was baptized, so I did not have the Spirit at the time, but, up until I was 23, I thought I was "OK" or "saved" even though I was messing around with men, getting drunk on Saturday night in the club and going to church on Sunday.  Something in me (my conscious) knew something was wrong.  I wanted to change.  I knew God was with me, but it wasn't complete.  I could feel it and God knew that I wanted Him.  Now, my search led me to visit New York and on that visit, me and my boyfriend at the, went to a church service.  Instantly, before I met the people, I saw a flood of light and felt instantly at peace.  I knew this was where my Father was leading me.  I went back home and prayed, if New York was the place for me to move to, that God would place me in Christian hands and protect me.  I moved here on June 21, 1998 and began to study the bible the next day.  I grew in understanding the love Jesus has for me and what my response should be because of that love.  I decided to give my life completely to Him and allow Him to be my Lord, so I was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of His Holy Spirit on July 5, 1998.  From that day to this time, I have been on this journey in growing more like Jesus, more in love with Him.  I now can look back at that time when I was in college and understand that it parallels my life now as a disciple of Christ.  I am in the world, but not of the world.  I am looking through spiritual lenses into a place where I do not belong.  I understand now that God has brought me to Himself, through His Son to a love that I can't explain and could not imagine.  I am with the one who loved me first.  Jesus is my first love.

Hope

In everything, regardless of your situation, there is always hope.  I had to learn this because at several times in my life, I felt hopeless or faithless.  I felt beaten down and pushed against the wall.  After I stopped teaching full time a couple of years ago, my finances changed drastically.  I went from almost making $70,000 a year plus benefits to making about $15,000 a year (if that).  I felt defeated, like I had no identity or no confidence at all.  All of my worth was coming from my job security, my status in peoples eyes.  At one time I could say "I'm a math teacher at Frederick Douglass Academy 2 school"  and receive respect or acknowledgement, but now I was a struggling artist that had to go back to teaching as a substitute in order to make income.  I had no insurance and no retirement plan.  NOTHING.  I felt ashamed, like God had given up on me by allowing me to make the decision to quit teaching and giving me a dream that He was not answering at the time.  I was angry, to say the least, but I had to fight back and understand that even when a situation looks hopeless there is always still hope.  I remember one time listening to the Spirit and He was teaching me to look past the problems and see the promises.  Stop focusing on the problems because what you put your mind on the most becomes your truth and see the promises.  So, I started fixing my eyes more on God's promises and believing them for myself.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It hit me that He was saying this to the Israelites when they were in exile and enslaved.  This was their most humble point in their lives and I was at my most humbled point in my life and God was telling me that in the midst of my financial drama and my inward depression that He still had plans for me, plans to prosper my life and not harm me and plans to give me a hope and a future.  I had to believe that for myself and see this as my truth.  Then, He showed me that He is always detailed.  So, every part of my life is detailed or laid out to the smallest portion.  He thinks about me. He thinks about you.  He ponders ways that He can meet our needs.  He helped me to understand that, in Him, there is always hope.  Hope is truly understanding that God is working for my behalf and having the faith that backs that up.  It's not a faithless hope like "I hope this will happen one day"  or "I hope my life will change."  No, it's truly believing what God says for your life and truly having faith (true hope) in what He says is true.  This helped me through one of the  most darkest periods in my life.  I felt God's presence with me, helping me grow deeper in understanding in Him and comforting me.  I would not change the things I've gone through because they have helped me develop a faith, a hope that I can use as I go through many other things in this life, on this journey.

Just a thought

This past year has been great.  This is my 4th year substituting. (Yes, I would have never imagined this, but this is my life.) I can say this has been my best year.  I've been thinking about why.  Is it because God is answering prayers that I prayed years ago and I now see them coming true? (I'm signed with an independent label with a major producer who has connections in the industry and who understands my life as a disciple and wants to push that to the fore front.  This is a prayer I prayed a couple of years ago.)  Also, I'm content.  I'm not looking back at when I was teaching full time and making a lot more money with benefits and enjoying that, but I'm enjoying where I am and meeting the different kids that I meet everyday and having the little interactions with them for the first time.  I love it.  I never thought that I would.  I think it's because my mindset as changed.  I changed how I saw my situation.  I no longer look at it with a "woe is me" attitude and grumble every time I step in a school or complain about everything.  I see it with a different mindset now.  Rom 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds then we can test and approve of what God's will is, His good and perfect will.  I have been practicing this and my mind has been changing so my situations have been changing and my heart and mind is more positive because I have been taking captive of my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ.  I am completely grateful for the challenges I have gone through over the past years and the things that are coming in my life.  Those challenges have helped me to grow up and mature.  I have been also seeing Christ deeper.  He is my best friend.  He is the kind of friend that you know already loves you completely and there is nothing you can do to gain it but you just have to accept it.  I'm learning more and more how to just accept it and relish in Him.  Not in a religious way, but truly in an intense relationship way.  He's only asking me to love Him back and to love Him is obeying His words, living for Him completely.  Just thinking about this and writing this gives me warm feelings inside.  (I'm blushing.) I'm completely in love!! I'm doing whatever I can do to hold on to Him.  He's already holding on to me.  This is great!  Anyway, I just wanted to share what was on my mind.

New Year

Ok, last year had so many ups and downs.  Now I must admit, the past 3 or 4 years have had a lot of ups and downs for me, but I always try to start off each year hopeful.  It has been difficult starting this year off in that way.  I have so many dreams that I want to come true.  I am tired of being a "professional" substitute teacher and I seriously want to start my career. Maintaining my faith has been challenging.  I know that my Father has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  Just the other day, I had little money in my bank account but many bills.  After going over my Time Warner Cable bill, con ed (lights almost being turned off), and my credit card bill, I prayed and said to my Father that He has to make a way for me to pay my bills.  I had 4 days to pay my con ed or else my lights were going to be turned off.  I couldn't stress it.  I've been down this road before, but I have learned to depend on God and to see that He always makes a way, even if I don't know how.  The next morning I checked my account and I had over $600 in my account.  You should have seen me dancing around my apartment.  I was able to pay all of my bills and have some left over.  That is how my Father does it.  Now, I'm in a little dilemma.  Pursuing a music career is one of the hardest things because its about who you know and putting yourself out there to know people.  I have been doing this for many years and I've come to the point, on this path, that I'm tired of the pursuit.  I just want a door to open up for me somewhere.  Many doors have, but they would always close and not be where or what my Father would want for me to do.  So now, here I am again, at this path on the road trying to see what I should do.  I pray, "Father, lead me to the doors that you want me to go through.  Show me a miracle."  I have been praying this prayer for a long time and He has shown me a lot of miracles, but I am still working as a "professional" substitute teacher.  Sometimes I feel that I can't call myself an artist or a professional singer because it's not where I am making all of my money from.  I'm scared.  I don't want to repeat this cycle over and over again.  I want to move forward.  The thing is, if I was to say I wanted to be a principal or a counselor, then that would be easy.  I would go back to school and get my master's.  The path is so clear on that one, but it's so different as an artist.  This path is truly about walking by faith and not by sight.  I was hanging with a girlfriend yesterday and I told her that God has given me many visions.  They are so real.  I can feel it.  I am living it, but then, they are gone.  It's like you are at a store and you want to get something behind a glass.  You see it and it is real to you, but you can't touch it yet until someone gives it to you.  That is my life.  I can't touch my dream yet until God says it's ok and He gives it to me.  Many people are mistaken when they think they control their fate.  That is so not true.  You have a decision or choices that you can make, but God has the first reply.  He is the one that says yes, its ok.  He is my Father and He has promised to protect me on this journey.  I am finally seeing it as a journey and learning what it means to enjoy the journey.  But, that is sooooo hard to do.  God wants me to see that He is my portion, my everything.  He gives us everything.  Everything comes from Him, so, it just makes sense to let Him be my portion.  The Spirit is the only way I am understanding that.  Anyway, I am here, on this journey, waiting expectantly, hopefully, and sometimes quietly for what's to come.  I am so excited about what is coming and can't wait to share with you all of my experiences.

Business of Life

I have to share this story with you.  I had to take a break to recover from my first year of teaching in New York City and from the heartbreak of losing a student.  I decided that I wanted to learn more about business.  I'm a singer, so I need to understand how to run a business or what that should look like, right?  I don't want to be naive about the music BUSINESS.  It's more business than music.  Anyway, I started temping.  It was fun because I had the chance to go to different places and meet different people.  I finally ended up at a non-for-profit that focused on homelessness.  I was a book keeper there.  Any job I had or places I have worked, I've seen God's hand on me and He has shown me favor. 

At this job, my supervisor was very animated and passionate about everything.  This was my first time working with someone who was gay and had a partner.  Coming from Arkansas, I had not knowingly encountered homosexuals.  (You should have seen me when I went to the village and when I was caught in the gay pride parade one year.  That was an ADVENTURE.)  Anyway, he was a genuine guy and really liked me.  I shared my life with him by how I lived.  He knew I lived my life by the bible and we would often have interesting conversations.  I learned a lot from him.  While there, I focused on being a light and getting to know as many people as possible.  The problem with agencies like this is that the people they are taking care of are not completely treated the best.  They were more focused on the rich who were donating to the organization than on the people they were serving. 

I didn't like that because we are all human.  From dust we came and to dust we will return.  What you came here with is what you will leave with: NOTHING.  Anyway, I learned how to not show favortism, but to treat everyone with the same respect that I would want.  After working there for a period of time, I became bored.  I'm a hyper person by nature.  I can only sit behind a desk for so long.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I was there for 2 years and I had started missing working with children.  I was being called back into teaching.  I prayed a lot about where I should go.  I sat down with my supervisor and he told me that he noticed I was not happy and he was willing to let me go, but he would not fire me.  They gave me payment for two months and I was able to keep my insurance for that period.  During that time, I found the school I was going to teach in.  God's favor is on my life. 

Sudden Death

My first year in New York was really hard.  First, I had to adjust to a new, fast pace, sometimes angry big city environment when I come from a laid back, easy going, slow pace country town.  Also, top this with teaching students who always tried to make fun of my accent.  I learned not to take it personal.  But that's not why the year was hard.  I moved here thinking that I was going to finish some recording, send my music off to a label and be signed and able to pay all of my bills through the deal.  This did not happen. 

Also, I had just become a Christian (Disciple) and I was trying to understand how to change in my character.  Man, I was struggling with pride big time and God was using this teaching experience to show me what it looked like.  While at the school, an incident happened that shook me to the core.  One of my 7th grade students who was so sweet and loving,  was hit by a bus as she was going home.  I didn't know the lesson that I was suppose to learn from that.  She was so young and how was I going to deal with the students the next day when I had my own emotions to deal with too? How was I going to help the teachers there, also?  But, what happened next amazed me.

When I walked into the school, they told me there was going to be a crisis counselor there and she was going to do a discussion with the children.  All I did was PRAY to see God's hands in this and to direct me in what to do.  He did.  The children took their focus off of themselves and began to focus on the little girl's family and their pain and they created cards to give to them.  I was blown away by their hearts and desire to be concerned about other people above themselves.  At the funeral, they were hurt, but controlled.  It was a moving experience, but after this first year, I was burned out and wanted nothing else to do with education.  I had to heal, so I decided to walk away from teaching and try to learn new things and I was lead to a whole new world:  the business world.

New York State of Mind Part 2

I have to let you know about my teaching experience here.  I have quit several times over the past years and I'm currently substituting and not coming back next year.  These kids are a different breed. I love them though.  They are like diamonds in the rough.  You have to get pass the rough exterior inorder to see the beautiful interior.  My first year teaching was a MESS.  I had just moved and had taught high school, so imagine being placed in a 7th grade middle school class on 93rd street with kids who don't understand your accent and are from all backgrounds.  It's funny when I think about it, but my pride was sooo high that God had to humble me. 

I will never forget this student I had named Christine.  I was told that she was going to be in my class and the look on the teachers and principal's face should have warned me about what was coming my way.  I thought there would be no problems.  It's going to be okay.  I was big, bold, and collected, right?  Wrong!  Anyway, Christine gave me all kinds of problems.  My class was on the 6th floor and one day she decided to throw paper balls outside the window.  She was dunking it out of the window.  Now, the crazy thing is that Christine was almost 6 ft tall and in the 7th grade, so you know she didn't have control over her body and she had totally lost her mind.  On another occasion, we were coming up from lunch and all of my students were on the elevator, but Christine decided to jump on the elevator like she was a wrestler and yell in my face.  Oooh! I was so angry.  She called me a "f----- b----" and she was pushed from the elevator. (I think I did that part.)  We got to the room and I told my students to sit down and not to say a word.  I was fuming!  She came banging on the door like she had lost her mind (which she had!). I'm telling you it felt like a mental institution. 

I opened the door and she tried to press her way in, but the principal finally came and took her away.  Now, this was my first lesson about loving people when it hurts because everything in me wanted to tell her off and whip her like she was my own child.  Her mom was even crazier.  She told my principal that she had night mares because of me.  (We had a conversation about her daughter and I tried to help her spiritually. Of course, she didn't listen.)  At the end of the year, Christine was kicked out of my class room.  On the last day of school, I gave my students a McDonald party and it took all of me to offer Christine some, but, I decided to show her kindness because Jesus would, and she really appreciated that.  Years later, when she was 22, I saw her on the streets.  She told me that she had gone to jail and was in rehab for drug abuse.  My heart went out to her, but as teachers, we see our students and their behavior and try to prevent them from harm, but, no matter how much we try to prevent, their destiny is their own.  We can only do so much, but they must know that they are loved despite of themselves.