Saying Goodbye to my Aunt Shirley

A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt Shirley went to sleep and will not wake up until the end.  In other words, she died.  I miss her, but I know she is better off.  She had cancer and was in a lot of pain.  I spoke with her a month ago, but it was brief.  She was describing to me what was going on and she could hear in my tone that I was sad.  I couldn't disguise it.  When I went home a few months ago, I wanted to see her but I didn't have the chance to. By the time I got there, she and my uncle had left.  When I first began this journey to New York, she was the one who took me to the travel agency so that I could get a ticket here.  When I moved here, I began to study the bible and I learned so much about God and the things I needed to change in my life.  After I was baptized, I called home to share the great news with my mom.  She didn't think it was that great.  She asked me why did I get baptized again after I had been baptized when I was 12 years old.  I told her that I didn't know my sins then and did not understand what it meant to repent of them then, so, my baptism was null and void.  (In Acts 2:38 Peter tells people how to enter the Kingdom of God-Repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of sins and then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit)  She told me my granddaddy is turning over in his grave.  She told me I was naive and foolish and allowed the people in New York to take advantage of me because I was just a country girl.  After this phone call, I was crying so hard and was extremely hurt.  As I was going through this pain my brother called me and cursed me out for hurting my mom and then my sister called me and told me off, also.  I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I had to hold on to the truth.  Finally, my Aunt Shirley called me.  This is how the conversation went.  "Hey, Gwen how is everything going."  (Instantly, in my mind I knew she had spoken to my mom because I could tell in her tone that she was heading somewhere.)  I told her what everyone had said and what  I had done and that I was not naive and that I studied the bible for myself and understand what  God wanted me to do and I did not follow people, but I was following what was right according to the word.  I told her why I was baptized and how I know I did the right thing.  She listened patiently to everything I said.  After I finish speaking, this is what she said to me, "Gwen, you are more braver then anyone of us down here and I'm going to tell your mom to leave you alone and let you go."  I broke down crying and I thanked her.  After that phone call, my mom called me back and apologized and my siblings did too.  I know my aunt talked to her and told her exactly what she said she would.  She never stopped believing in me.  She never stopped encouraging me and I am forever grateful for that.

Let's Go!

I've had an amazing couple of days.  This past Friday night I was able to perform in Bridgeport, Connecticut with a bunch of other people that is doing the Bridge Music campaign along with me. I was so inspired by everyone.  Now, here is the thing and this is my issue. I know that God has something amazing for my life because at every turn Satan is busy trying to attack me and discouraged me.  Leading up to the performance, I have been struggling with my insecurities and fears.  I fear what people think of me, what they may say about what I do or how I look.  I fear failure or success. I fear not knowing what I'm doing or doing something new and not doing it well.  I fear that I may not look good enough to be a singer/performer or that I'm to old to do this.  I fear, I fear, I fear!!!!! So, it's time to face my fears.  I can't stand being afraid of something and allowing it to hold me back. It is enough!

I am allowing my insecurities to come up to surface so that I can face them and not cover them up by fake confidence that has no foundation at all.  I have been praying to be everything that God has created me to be and I can't be that if I ALLOW myself to remain in my fears.  It's all Satan and his tricks.  I know that, but I have a power inside of me that is more powerful than he can ever be.  So, the other night my Father helped me to understand something about myself and about who He is.  He brought back to my memory the time when me, my brothers, my sisters and my cousins would run in the forest beside my grandparents house.  I would look at the wire and say, "ok, this looks scary, but I don't want to look like a punk or miss out on the fun so LET's Go!"  and I would go under the wire run and dart in the "forest" and just feel the adventure of the time.  God helped me to see that that is who I am.  I am not someone who looks at something and runs away or is immobile.  I look at it, examine it, feel afraid, but then say "LET's Go!"  That is who I am.  Now that I am in Him, he says "LET's Go Together!"

On Friday, I felt all of the fears, the insecurities, but I prayed and knew that my Father was with me.  I even started to feel jealous of some of the other artists because people were boasting about them and not me.  I started comparing myself to them, but I realized that that is of the flesh and when we boast, that is not of God but of the world.  God spoke to me and helped me to see that the only thing that matters is what He thinks of me.  He approves of me.  He has qualified me and called me. He has anointed me for a time like this.
I hit the stage, allowed my Father to use me and He was glorified through it all.  That is my victory.  I made Him smile and I am happy with that.  (Now I have to always pray about being humble because sometimes when things like that happen I think it's me, but then I remember my stomach aches and my prayers before hand and the feeling of His Spirit over me and that brings me back to earth.)

I went to the Village Underground on Sunday night.  Haven't been there in a long time.  I've been scared.  I realized how much I have missed singing in the open mics there.  It can be very intimidating.  When I walked in, I went up to the host and he spoke to me as if he remembered me.  I knew that this was God.  I had an amazing time and was able to sing and connect with many people. (I sing after a man who said he was the Cat in the hat and did a rap about it.  It was so funny.  I didn't know how to start the song after that one!)
So, I am learning not to allow fear, insecurities or my own thoughts about myself stop me from being great for God.  I am a light that is meant to shine to the world for my Father's glory.  This is my purpose.
LET's Go!!

No more Fear!

OK, I've been afraid. I admit it.  I've been running away from what I'm called to do.  You know when you have been told to do something, but you don't feel like you are qualified to do it or you don't have what it takes to get the job done?  That is how I have been feeling.  I was thinking about Moses the other day and how God showed him the burning bush and spoke to him and told him to go and free his people.  You know what Moses did?  He told GOD that he can't speak well so send someone else.  He said this to God!  God chose him because He knew He had created Moses for this task but Moses didn't know this.  God also promised to be with him wherever he went.  Yes, this was no small thing going before Pharaoh and saying Let my people go.  I can understand Moses' fear.

I'm realizing in my life that some of the things that God tells me to do will not be a small thing and may look scary, but God knows what He has created me for.  I don't.  He promised me that He will be with me always, so I have to stop using the excuses of:  "I can't talk." "They sing better than me." "I'm not that intelligent." "I'm not beautiful." "I can't talk to them because they have more money than I do." "If I said this, they are going to think I'm crazy." (These are just some of the things that run through my mind.)

I know that Satan is trying to hold me back by using the fear tactic.  He knows my Father's plans to and how amazing they are.  Psalm 33 says that God has a purpose for our lives and it stands forever.  Do you believe that?  I had to grow in believing this.

I just came back from San Antonio, TX.  I went to a conference called World Discipleship Conference.  It was AMAZING!  From the lessons, the theme that stood out to me was it is time for me to do what I was created to do and stop living in fear but to live in faith.  God is with me.  He is before me.  He has qualified me and called me and my hope is in Him and He will not disappoint me or allow me to be put to shame.

THIS JOURNEY IS ABOUT TO GET EVEN MORE EXCITING!

Love

It is 11:57pm here in New York and I just came home from a concert that included three of my favorite artist: Ledisi, Eric Benet, and Tamia.  It was AWESOME! I am so excited and inspired!  Everytime I go to concerts its like my school and I'm one of the students in the audience as my teacher(the performer) is teaching me something new.  Tonight was something that I will never forget.  I've seen Ledisi perform before and she never lets you down. She always gives herself completely.  A couple of years ago was my first experience with seeing her live.  I was feeling hopeless about my career and not knowing where my life was going with it.  I wanted to give up and I did not see God in it all.  When I went to the concert, Ledisi looked in the audience at me(in my mind she was looking at me) and said "Never give up on your dreams.  Look at my life and see what God has done."(I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like that.)  Anyway, I had to meet her.  She moved me and encouraged me.  So, I found out she was going to be on 125th the next day.  I went to meet her, had the chance to talk to her, and she signed my cd.  It was AWESOME!  I am excited about what God is going to do with my life.

My first love

When I was in college, I remember looking out of the window in my dormitory and thinking that I didn't belong.  The window was a glass I was looking out of into the world that I was not a part of.  This represented my life.  I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now.  On my search for God, I've done things that I am not proud of and when I think about it, I wonder why me.  I went to clubs, got drunk several times, and messed around with different men trying to figure out myself, thinking I was really enjoying this life.  All the time, I was still empty.  I am so grateful for a friend that I had that gave me a bible and showed me some scriptures.  I grew up religious, but didn't know Jesus.  I didn't have a relationship with Him.  I went to church on Sundays, but did everything else I wanted to do the other days.  I didn't understand the darkness that I was in.  I just knew I was empty and nothing I did filled my heart.  I was depressed and didn't know how to get out of it. I began to feel desperate.  I seriously wanted God, but everywhere I went, I saw fakeness and people doing the same thing I was doing, but pretending to be so holy.  I knew that was wrong and wanted nothing to do with it.  I started teaching school when I graduated and I thought that that would give me joy, but I became even more depressed.  I was not happy.  I was not fulfilled.  I was at home with my parents, saving money so that I could move to a big city.  At the time, I didn't know where.  I thought a music career would help me, so I decided to try to send out my demo and see who would reply.  No one did. One day, I was walking by the TV and "New York Undercover" was on and I heard a voice say to me "This is where you are moving to."  I was like, OK.  Then, one day I was walking down the dirt road, (yes, I am from the dirty south, the country and I claim with pride my countriness), and I heard a voice say, "If you were asked to be baptized again, would you be?"  Instantly my answer was yes.  At this point in my life, I was examining my life and questioning my salvation.  I was baptized when I was 12, but I did it because other people were and I did not know my sins or repent of them before I was baptized, so I did not have the Spirit at the time, but, up until I was 23, I thought I was "OK" or "saved" even though I was messing around with men, getting drunk on Saturday night in the club and going to church on Sunday.  Something in me (my conscious) knew something was wrong.  I wanted to change.  I knew God was with me, but it wasn't complete.  I could feel it and God knew that I wanted Him.  Now, my search led me to visit New York and on that visit, me and my boyfriend at the, went to a church service.  Instantly, before I met the people, I saw a flood of light and felt instantly at peace.  I knew this was where my Father was leading me.  I went back home and prayed, if New York was the place for me to move to, that God would place me in Christian hands and protect me.  I moved here on June 21, 1998 and began to study the bible the next day.  I grew in understanding the love Jesus has for me and what my response should be because of that love.  I decided to give my life completely to Him and allow Him to be my Lord, so I was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of His Holy Spirit on July 5, 1998.  From that day to this time, I have been on this journey in growing more like Jesus, more in love with Him.  I now can look back at that time when I was in college and understand that it parallels my life now as a disciple of Christ.  I am in the world, but not of the world.  I am looking through spiritual lenses into a place where I do not belong.  I understand now that God has brought me to Himself, through His Son to a love that I can't explain and could not imagine.  I am with the one who loved me first.  Jesus is my first love.

Hope

In everything, regardless of your situation, there is always hope.  I had to learn this because at several times in my life, I felt hopeless or faithless.  I felt beaten down and pushed against the wall.  After I stopped teaching full time a couple of years ago, my finances changed drastically.  I went from almost making $70,000 a year plus benefits to making about $15,000 a year (if that).  I felt defeated, like I had no identity or no confidence at all.  All of my worth was coming from my job security, my status in peoples eyes.  At one time I could say "I'm a math teacher at Frederick Douglass Academy 2 school"  and receive respect or acknowledgement, but now I was a struggling artist that had to go back to teaching as a substitute in order to make income.  I had no insurance and no retirement plan.  NOTHING.  I felt ashamed, like God had given up on me by allowing me to make the decision to quit teaching and giving me a dream that He was not answering at the time.  I was angry, to say the least, but I had to fight back and understand that even when a situation looks hopeless there is always still hope.  I remember one time listening to the Spirit and He was teaching me to look past the problems and see the promises.  Stop focusing on the problems because what you put your mind on the most becomes your truth and see the promises.  So, I started fixing my eyes more on God's promises and believing them for myself.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It hit me that He was saying this to the Israelites when they were in exile and enslaved.  This was their most humble point in their lives and I was at my most humbled point in my life and God was telling me that in the midst of my financial drama and my inward depression that He still had plans for me, plans to prosper my life and not harm me and plans to give me a hope and a future.  I had to believe that for myself and see this as my truth.  Then, He showed me that He is always detailed.  So, every part of my life is detailed or laid out to the smallest portion.  He thinks about me. He thinks about you.  He ponders ways that He can meet our needs.  He helped me to understand that, in Him, there is always hope.  Hope is truly understanding that God is working for my behalf and having the faith that backs that up.  It's not a faithless hope like "I hope this will happen one day"  or "I hope my life will change."  No, it's truly believing what God says for your life and truly having faith (true hope) in what He says is true.  This helped me through one of the  most darkest periods in my life.  I felt God's presence with me, helping me grow deeper in understanding in Him and comforting me.  I would not change the things I've gone through because they have helped me develop a faith, a hope that I can use as I go through many other things in this life, on this journey.

Just a thought

This past year has been great.  This is my 4th year substituting. (Yes, I would have never imagined this, but this is my life.) I can say this has been my best year.  I've been thinking about why.  Is it because God is answering prayers that I prayed years ago and I now see them coming true? (I'm signed with an independent label with a major producer who has connections in the industry and who understands my life as a disciple and wants to push that to the fore front.  This is a prayer I prayed a couple of years ago.)  Also, I'm content.  I'm not looking back at when I was teaching full time and making a lot more money with benefits and enjoying that, but I'm enjoying where I am and meeting the different kids that I meet everyday and having the little interactions with them for the first time.  I love it.  I never thought that I would.  I think it's because my mindset as changed.  I changed how I saw my situation.  I no longer look at it with a "woe is me" attitude and grumble every time I step in a school or complain about everything.  I see it with a different mindset now.  Rom 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds then we can test and approve of what God's will is, His good and perfect will.  I have been practicing this and my mind has been changing so my situations have been changing and my heart and mind is more positive because I have been taking captive of my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ.  I am completely grateful for the challenges I have gone through over the past years and the things that are coming in my life.  Those challenges have helped me to grow up and mature.  I have been also seeing Christ deeper.  He is my best friend.  He is the kind of friend that you know already loves you completely and there is nothing you can do to gain it but you just have to accept it.  I'm learning more and more how to just accept it and relish in Him.  Not in a religious way, but truly in an intense relationship way.  He's only asking me to love Him back and to love Him is obeying His words, living for Him completely.  Just thinking about this and writing this gives me warm feelings inside.  (I'm blushing.) I'm completely in love!! I'm doing whatever I can do to hold on to Him.  He's already holding on to me.  This is great!  Anyway, I just wanted to share what was on my mind.