I noticed that I haven't written a post in several years! A lot has been going on. Over the past 20 years, I lived in New York City. I moved there to pursue a music career. While there, I studied the bible and decided to be baptized and become a disciple of Jesus. My dream of becoming a singer remained in my heart. I performed in different showcases and had different managers over the years, but nothing ever came from it. I taught school for several years. I enjoyed it, but my heart was torn because I wanted to perform and have a career as an entertainer. I started looking at other artist like Alicia Keys and India Arie who came out in 2002 and I felt that God was against me. I had been trying to have this career for so long and I was living my life for Him so why was my life so difficult. If this was a gift that was given to me to impact the world, why was it so hard for me to break into the industry? I became embittered and angry. I was angry with God and resentful of my gift of singing. I asked him to take the desire to sing away from me. I asked him to take the dream of being a performer away from me. He didn't. Singing is in my DNA, it is a part of who I am. I need to breath in order to survive and I need to sing in order for my soul to be encouraged. So, I decided to use my gift at church and to encourage my ministry. I decided to not think about becoming a famous artist because it was not where I needed to be. I had so much to fight through emotionally. I was feeling so insecure. I compared my life to others and felt like I was nothing. I had to grow in accepting myself, my gift and understanding how to wait and be patient. This was the beginning of me learning what it means to wait on God and to be still before Him. This was also the beginning of me understanding that the Lord is my portion and therefore I will wait on him (Lamentation 3). I was frustrated though because things were not happening on my time frame.
I also dated someone for a year and a half. I had been waiting for my husband and wanted to get married. By this time my baby sister was married and had already had her son. Again, I can grumble in my heart and feel like I'm trying to do this life thing according to God's standards but He is not blessing me with what I want when I want it. You see, I am waiting until I am married to have sex, so yes, I am a virgin. So, I have been waiting a while for my husband (I am still waiting for him!!). I began to feel impatient. Then I got a boyfriend. I thought he was going to be my husband. I was sooo wrong. In the beginning it was good and we had fun, but it all changed. I could tell that he was feeling insecure about his life. He was not financially stable and compared himself to me. He started to be argumentative and we fought a lot. Nevertheless, I continued to try to work things out with him. I was willing to remain in a relationship with someone who was not good for me just because I didn't want to hurt him. I had prayed for God to break us up because I couldn't do it. I wanted him to break us up because I felt I could handle it better emotionally. He eventually did break up with me and I was hurt. It felt like I was craving for something that I knew was bad for me, but because he was familiar, I didn't care. It was a pain I never want to experience again. It wasn't time for me to get married, but it was time for me to grow up emotionally and to work on my codependent nature. It was time for me to work on myself and heal from my past so that, when God says it is time for me to have a career in music or to get married, I could handle it emotionally.
This was the beginning of my emotional growth. I will continue to share more about this in my next post.
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