Ok. I'm at a point in my life in which I want to quit. Walking by faith and not by sight is so so hard. I can't see ahead of me and I don't know what is around the door. I am tired of pursuing different things and nothing ever coming to be. I am tired of working so hard only to just go a little distance. Everything in my life at the moment is a question mark. I want to love again, but even that seems like it's never going to happen. I am in a mood right now. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything.
I have been sitting at home trying to find jobs but don't really know the direction I should go. I have had an amazing summer but now it is time to start working, but I don't want to do just any job. Why can't I do what I love? Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like others have it so easy, but nope, not me. It has to be tooth pulling difficult. I'm grumpy at the moment. I want to do this talk show and have placed up a go fund me page to try to make money, but no one cares. My music career has been non existent. I've had shows over the years and only a few people came to support me. Why am I still doing this? Why haven't I quit and said whatever and gone back to school for something else? I want the dream. I want to use all of my talents to glorify God. I really do, but why does it have to be sooooooo hard?
I miss my family. I live so far away from them. I don't want to miss my nephews and niece grow up. I want to be in their lives. Financially, I'm running out of funds and don't have a job as of yet. I want to be able to travel home or to see my family without worrying about my finances, but that is not how my life is now. When will I catch a break? When will I be able to walk through the doors that will lead to my destiny?
I know that God is for me. I believe that, but my faith is being tested and refined and it is taking all of me not to give up. I don't want to miss out on the blessings that are right around the corner all because I took matters into my own hands or all because I doubted and didn't have the faith to persevere. I want to be a woman of great faith, able to walk through fire and not get burned. Able to see the waters rushing against me but still remain standing. This is who I am becoming. This is the woman my Father is making me into.
I will not give up. I will persevere so that I can receive the blessings He has in store for my life. I will hold on to His hands as He is leading me through this valley, through the areas I can not see. When I am afraid, I will trust Him because He is holding me close to His heart. I will rest in His arms and allow Him to whisper in my ear that everything is working out for my good. I will allow His peace to rest in my heart as I rest in Him and trust Him in every part of my life.
I will be ok. My life is blessed and will continue to be blessed. I will be a light to the world so that He receives the glory. I will become less so that He can be more. My life is not my own. It does not belong to me. I will be still.
