I have had an amazing year. I'm not just saying this, but I really believe that my life, my year has been great so far. It has not been easy and I have a long way to go, but it is good. One thing is concerning me though. Changes. I have a mix feeling about changes. Sometimes, I'm excited because I like different things and I like being surprised(for the most part). But, other times I get scared and hesitant because I don't know what's to come from the changes. I can't see what the outcome is going to be because of them. I guess that is why faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
I have been struggling with just being joyful in waiting for the changes in my life. I am scared. I'm not afraid to say this or express this to you because it is true. Why should I hide? My journey right now is on a road that I can't see or understand what the destination is going to be for certain. My life has no certainties. I am just where my Father wants me to be. If you are reading this blog, I want you to understand something about me. I love Jesus and I want to walk with him wherever He will lead me. Sometimes I resist because I want to do what I want to do, but in the end, I don't win and I end up humbling out and surrendering to him anyway. I'm trying to learn to do that upfront so that I don't have to go through the drama of fighting with myself or him making me humble out.
Anyway, as an artist, you have so many dreams and directions that you see your life going and you can imagine the great things ahead, but when it takes a long time, you start feeling anxious and worried and afraid about if these dreams are going to come true. This is the point where God is really testing your heart to see if you are going to believe that he is working for your good no matter what the circumstances may be.
The changes I am talking about are not just outward changes. I am talking about the changes that happen in your heart as this process is going on. I have experienced all kinds of emotions and some of them I can't even describe. (I think I need to sit down with somebody to try to figure them out!) Anyway, I'm at this point of trying to learn to not be angry when things are not happening in the speed I want them to be or learning how to love someone who I feel is difficult for me to love or learning how to grow up and face my responsibilities. I just had a birthday too. This is another change!
But, in all of the changes I am going through, one thing remains constant and consistent: Jesus' love for me has not wavered or changed. He has said he is my friend and he has promised that he will never leave me or forsake me. He has told me that he loves me beyond what I can imagine and he has showed me the depth of his love by dying for me. No one has ever done that for me. So, I guess, with all of the changes I am going through inwardly and outwardly, I need to hold on to what is always constant and never changing so that I can keep my sanity in the midst of it all!!
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