My first love

When I was in college, I remember looking out of the window in my dormitory and thinking that I didn't belong.  The window was a glass I was looking out of into the world that I was not a part of.  This represented my life.  I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now.  On my search for God, I've done things that I am not proud of and when I think about it, I wonder why me.  I went to clubs, got drunk several times, and messed around with different men trying to figure out myself, thinking I was really enjoying this life.  All the time, I was still empty.  I am so grateful for a friend that I had that gave me a bible and showed me some scriptures.  I grew up religious, but didn't know Jesus.  I didn't have a relationship with Him.  I went to church on Sundays, but did everything else I wanted to do the other days.  I didn't understand the darkness that I was in.  I just knew I was empty and nothing I did filled my heart.  I was depressed and didn't know how to get out of it. I began to feel desperate.  I seriously wanted God, but everywhere I went, I saw fakeness and people doing the same thing I was doing, but pretending to be so holy.  I knew that was wrong and wanted nothing to do with it.  I started teaching school when I graduated and I thought that that would give me joy, but I became even more depressed.  I was not happy.  I was not fulfilled.  I was at home with my parents, saving money so that I could move to a big city.  At the time, I didn't know where.  I thought a music career would help me, so I decided to try to send out my demo and see who would reply.  No one did. One day, I was walking by the TV and "New York Undercover" was on and I heard a voice say to me "This is where you are moving to."  I was like, OK.  Then, one day I was walking down the dirt road, (yes, I am from the dirty south, the country and I claim with pride my countriness), and I heard a voice say, "If you were asked to be baptized again, would you be?"  Instantly my answer was yes.  At this point in my life, I was examining my life and questioning my salvation.  I was baptized when I was 12, but I did it because other people were and I did not know my sins or repent of them before I was baptized, so I did not have the Spirit at the time, but, up until I was 23, I thought I was "OK" or "saved" even though I was messing around with men, getting drunk on Saturday night in the club and going to church on Sunday.  Something in me (my conscious) knew something was wrong.  I wanted to change.  I knew God was with me, but it wasn't complete.  I could feel it and God knew that I wanted Him.  Now, my search led me to visit New York and on that visit, me and my boyfriend at the, went to a church service.  Instantly, before I met the people, I saw a flood of light and felt instantly at peace.  I knew this was where my Father was leading me.  I went back home and prayed, if New York was the place for me to move to, that God would place me in Christian hands and protect me.  I moved here on June 21, 1998 and began to study the bible the next day.  I grew in understanding the love Jesus has for me and what my response should be because of that love.  I decided to give my life completely to Him and allow Him to be my Lord, so I was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins and received the gift of His Holy Spirit on July 5, 1998.  From that day to this time, I have been on this journey in growing more like Jesus, more in love with Him.  I now can look back at that time when I was in college and understand that it parallels my life now as a disciple of Christ.  I am in the world, but not of the world.  I am looking through spiritual lenses into a place where I do not belong.  I understand now that God has brought me to Himself, through His Son to a love that I can't explain and could not imagine.  I am with the one who loved me first.  Jesus is my first love.

Hope

In everything, regardless of your situation, there is always hope.  I had to learn this because at several times in my life, I felt hopeless or faithless.  I felt beaten down and pushed against the wall.  After I stopped teaching full time a couple of years ago, my finances changed drastically.  I went from almost making $70,000 a year plus benefits to making about $15,000 a year (if that).  I felt defeated, like I had no identity or no confidence at all.  All of my worth was coming from my job security, my status in peoples eyes.  At one time I could say "I'm a math teacher at Frederick Douglass Academy 2 school"  and receive respect or acknowledgement, but now I was a struggling artist that had to go back to teaching as a substitute in order to make income.  I had no insurance and no retirement plan.  NOTHING.  I felt ashamed, like God had given up on me by allowing me to make the decision to quit teaching and giving me a dream that He was not answering at the time.  I was angry, to say the least, but I had to fight back and understand that even when a situation looks hopeless there is always still hope.  I remember one time listening to the Spirit and He was teaching me to look past the problems and see the promises.  Stop focusing on the problems because what you put your mind on the most becomes your truth and see the promises.  So, I started fixing my eyes more on God's promises and believing them for myself.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It hit me that He was saying this to the Israelites when they were in exile and enslaved.  This was their most humble point in their lives and I was at my most humbled point in my life and God was telling me that in the midst of my financial drama and my inward depression that He still had plans for me, plans to prosper my life and not harm me and plans to give me a hope and a future.  I had to believe that for myself and see this as my truth.  Then, He showed me that He is always detailed.  So, every part of my life is detailed or laid out to the smallest portion.  He thinks about me. He thinks about you.  He ponders ways that He can meet our needs.  He helped me to understand that, in Him, there is always hope.  Hope is truly understanding that God is working for my behalf and having the faith that backs that up.  It's not a faithless hope like "I hope this will happen one day"  or "I hope my life will change."  No, it's truly believing what God says for your life and truly having faith (true hope) in what He says is true.  This helped me through one of the  most darkest periods in my life.  I felt God's presence with me, helping me grow deeper in understanding in Him and comforting me.  I would not change the things I've gone through because they have helped me develop a faith, a hope that I can use as I go through many other things in this life, on this journey.

Just a thought

This past year has been great.  This is my 4th year substituting. (Yes, I would have never imagined this, but this is my life.) I can say this has been my best year.  I've been thinking about why.  Is it because God is answering prayers that I prayed years ago and I now see them coming true? (I'm signed with an independent label with a major producer who has connections in the industry and who understands my life as a disciple and wants to push that to the fore front.  This is a prayer I prayed a couple of years ago.)  Also, I'm content.  I'm not looking back at when I was teaching full time and making a lot more money with benefits and enjoying that, but I'm enjoying where I am and meeting the different kids that I meet everyday and having the little interactions with them for the first time.  I love it.  I never thought that I would.  I think it's because my mindset as changed.  I changed how I saw my situation.  I no longer look at it with a "woe is me" attitude and grumble every time I step in a school or complain about everything.  I see it with a different mindset now.  Rom 12:2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds then we can test and approve of what God's will is, His good and perfect will.  I have been practicing this and my mind has been changing so my situations have been changing and my heart and mind is more positive because I have been taking captive of my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ.  I am completely grateful for the challenges I have gone through over the past years and the things that are coming in my life.  Those challenges have helped me to grow up and mature.  I have been also seeing Christ deeper.  He is my best friend.  He is the kind of friend that you know already loves you completely and there is nothing you can do to gain it but you just have to accept it.  I'm learning more and more how to just accept it and relish in Him.  Not in a religious way, but truly in an intense relationship way.  He's only asking me to love Him back and to love Him is obeying His words, living for Him completely.  Just thinking about this and writing this gives me warm feelings inside.  (I'm blushing.) I'm completely in love!! I'm doing whatever I can do to hold on to Him.  He's already holding on to me.  This is great!  Anyway, I just wanted to share what was on my mind.